I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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