Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
