you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
