I'm jealous of your bromance
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
