On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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