ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
