The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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