i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
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