We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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