i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
