no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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