1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
