There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
His hands were made for my vagina.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
