bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
