and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
