the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
