new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
