I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
