I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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