if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
