tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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