Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
