i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
