Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
