Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
