I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
