Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
