there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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