I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
