So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
