He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
