Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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