Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
