true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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