i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
