i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
