also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
