I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
