I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
