just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Acid is not a monday night drug
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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