It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
