I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
