it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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