My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
