I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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