My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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