tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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