i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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