i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
