I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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