I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
